How real is your relationship?

I am not a therapist, but I have friends who talk openly about their lives. Some of these friends are in my personal life; others are virtual on the Internet. One thing I have noticed (without spilling anyone’s secrets) is that so many people in relationships don’t fully communicate to their mates what’s going on in their minds and in their souls.

I think it is a value that I have, this ideal that a love relationship creates a space within which to be real. I think of great movie pairings where no matter what the outer circumstances, the challenges, the crises, the characters showed incredible loyalty and the willingness to be there for their mate.

But how real is that? It’s the movies.


Everyone has a personal set of reasons why they don’t express their truest selves to their mates. Usually it boils down to fear. Fear of exposure. Fear of rejection. Fear of consequences. Fear of violence. Fear of hurting someone. I am surely not one to judge.

But I just offer it as a general principle that it is something to consider. The less true I am in revealing who I am, the less intimate my/our relationship will be. The less my partner knows about me, the less we can “get real” for each other.

Loneliness happens when you can’t — or think you can’t — be real. One way out of loneliness is to be more authentic about who you really are to the people who matter to you — assuming (and it is a very big assumption) that they don’t freakin’ panic when you step out of whatever closet you stepped into.


When you aren’t being totally real with your mate, what area of your life are you not being real about? What special or sacred or vulnerable part of you are you protecting? Are you finding support for that part of you somewhere?

Part of the hope — or even the mission — of this site is eventually to help people network around their heart’s desires. What do you truly yearn for?

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