Literary lovemaking

cybersexI’ve noticed over the arc of my life that one of my all-time favorite activities often reaps a huge ewww factor among women. Many women have an instant mental creep-out reflex to the mention of cybersex. It’s as if someone just dropped a full bowl of spaghetti atop their bed. And that’s being kind in the metaphor department.

In my own universe, literary lovemaking has created experiences of blissful beauty and pulse-pounding excitement. It’s been a life highlight getting to know special people in this delicious way.

Unfortunately, right now the term cybersex appears to produce visions of a pervert convention where horndogs write or talk play-by-play that at times is so mundane it could not even earn the descriptor erotic. Cybersex often gets wedded to assembly-line porn consciousness where only crude predictability prevails. Porn is not known for its ability to honor humanity at its finest. It doesn’t even honor the joy of sex. Joy? Really?

For me, virtual relationships offer the potential for deep-end-of-the-pool communication. For me it’s reminiscent of the quality of communication that Henry Miller would share with Anais Nin.

I’ve confined my cybersex exploration to emails and texting. Other flavors of it have arrived on the scene, such as using web cams, Skyping, Facetiming, sending videos/photos, and so on. These diversions were not available for most of my cybersex lifetime, but I still prefer the written word. The writing process helps me organize my complex thoughts, and I enjoy a treasure hunt for beauty and meaning with awesome minds.

“WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?”

I remember way back to my high school days in the 1960s when I would be in the midst of young love, and my predominant question to meet a girl’s long silences would be, “What are you thinking?”

My question was mostly about my anxiety then; I was nervous about how she felt about me. But as time marched on and maturity set in (some still wonder if that actually happened) I became fascinated with the idea that much sexual joy is about sharing consciousness while mutually pleasuring the body. The most exciting aspect of it for me was savoring my lover’s mind.

Sadly, many of us were (and many still are) taught to keep secrets. Don’t reveal intimate thoughts and feelings. Don’t admit those erotic desires. Don’t become vulnerable. Discovering what a girl/woman really thought in those days was like drilling for oil. It took great amounts of patient exploration before the eureka moment of freeing a gusher. Finding a woman who spoke her erotic truth was the best ambrosia!

Eventually I became a part-time sex writer. It wasn’t that I was so fascinated with flesh and body parts; rather I was fascinated with sexual psychology — what it did to us as a force of nature. I got a freelance writer gig with Penthouse Forum in 1979. Before email and the Web, I began receiving fan mail and nurturing conversations with strangers all over the country about their private sex lives. Some of those turned into literary lovemaking.

With the advent of personal computers, I ventured online. I found more women eager and willing to share their stories, thoughts, and opinions. Some of them joined me in journeys of virtual lovemaking.

A RICH, LAYERED DESSERT

People who think of cybersex as “just porn” have probably never met someone who can take them on a poetic thrill ride. It is so much more than non-stop dirty talk. When it blooms fully, it is a garden of immense proportion where literary lovers explore a seemingly endless cornucopia of discovery. There’s sharing personal histories, exploring aspirations, healing from past emotional wounds, playing with likes and dislikes, exchanging and developing fantasies, outing one’s deepest (and often most frustrated) hungers — and the multitude of feelings this honest disclosure stirs up.

Some of us hunger to be truly known by someone else. It’s like a soul purpose it’s that strong. I feel I hit the jackpot when I meet a woman who enjoy both personal growth writing and erotica. Over my life I have met a few precious individuals for whom this form of communication was utterly captivating. Inviting someone inside the vortex where thoughts flow without censoring, editing, and sanitizing is — beyond being a huge risk — ineffably profound and exhilarating.

For it to be deep play at its finest, it needs to be a two-way street. Both lovers need to share openly. Call it true confessions. Call it transparency. Trust is also a big factor.

I thrive when I meet a woman who shows a fanciful way with words. Some people elevate dirty talk into an art form, masterfully inventing fun new word combinations that arouse and delight. Toss in some humor with that spice and it’s bliss time. It puts new emphasis on human in the term human sexuality.

One might mistakenly assume that people into erotic correspondence are spiritually vacant. To the contrary, my most successful virtual relationships have been with women who ooze spiritual awareness. They treasure the spiritual significance of their sexuality. The last virtual lover was studying to be a minister in her metaphysical church. She adored the eff word as if it were a semantic crystal.

Meanwhile, some presume that people into cybersex lack imagination and rely on dirty clichés, making them questionable in intelligence. Au contraire! It is their brilliance that makes them captivating. Sharing the intricacies of sex opens up a safe space for sharing a wide range of topics including the most sensitive. Baring the erotic soul leads to other highly personal revelations, and for me, that’s ever so juicy.

EACH TO HER OWN

Like sex itself, literary lovemaking is very personalized. Each coupling brings forth a unique creative chemistry. Physicality is a metaphor for the mental, emotional, and spiritual. To make love in words one needs to be sensitive to their lover’s hot buttons and cold buttons. Some like it hard. Some like it hot. Some like a slow burn.

These days, one can find bloggers who show the traits of a being a great literary lover. They express themselves wonderfully and artistically. They bring more meaning to sex and what it means to be a lover. It makes them more interesting as people, too.

(If you blog interesting things about sex and love, please let us know in the comments!)

3 thoughts on “Literary lovemaking

  1. nikkir1972 says:

    I am continually baffled by the way so many women shun cyber sex. For myself, it is something to be embraced in all it’s forms. I have experienced the emails and the texts, to sharing erotica both personally written to video, and even over the phone.
    I agree with you that for many it conjures up something dark and perverted. Often it is combined with “cheating.” I know that there are people online who are trying to connect with someone for the soul purpose of getting some “quick action” in real life, or a quick orgasm and that’s all it is for them.
    For the more refined individuals, finding someone to share the intimate with can take an already interesting relationship and raise it to the next level. I know a truly powerful connection can exist between people who have never met, and cyber sex is an expression of what they are already feeling.
    It does take imagination, creativity, and a willingness to really know another on a deep level. I think once that happens cyber sex is natural. I am not one to hold back, and on the phone I let the other know how I am feeling in a very verbal way…as well as the written word as well:)
    “Most of sex takes place in the mind, and the flesh brings it to life.”
    (My own personal quote.)
    Great blog, thanks for sharing!!

    • Joshua Bagby says:

      Terrific comments! Thank you for posting. I suppose ultimately sharing at such depth and intimacy is an acquired taste. Most people who shun it probably do not understand the level of creativity and emotional satisfaction that can spring from this kind of sharing. But you do have to be wired in a certain way, I suppose. Being sex-positive helps. Loving to explore the intricacies helps. Loving intimate disclosure helps. Enjoying inspiring and arousing people helps. Hungering for creative self-expression helps.

      I agree with you that cyber sex is a natural after a certain amount of rapport has been established. That’s when it becomes most personal and meaningful. I think most object to instant cybersex, which is more like porn or paid phone sex intended solely for quick orgasms. For me under the right circumstances, it is much more like writing interactive love letters that show how closely people have been listening to each other.

      I liked your personal quote. 🙂

  2. nikkir1972 says:

    I think so as well….unless someone has experienced it, then they will only view cyber sex as a means to an end, and having early on personal experience with that…it leaves you feeling worse than you did before.
    It’s not easy finding others with that level of intelligence, creativity and self expression…but there are out there.
    Thanks….came up with that around 4 a.m. last year. It seems I get my best thoughts in the wee hours of the morning sometimes:)

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