Beyond orgasm


Modern sexual mythology poses that orgasm is the big kahuna of erotic bliss. Well, I say, isn’t that a ticket to disappointment?

OK, yes, orgasm is delicious, at times deeply delicious, sometimes even a fully-puffed-out peak experience delicious. No question, no issue, no complaints. But as long as we focus on that orgasm as the main event, the whole point of the show, the goal line, we could be missing out on some amazing, life-altering experiences.

I had a friend whom I joined once on a trip to Paris. She had two main goals to see at the Louvre: the Mona Lisa and the Venus de Milo. Goals accomplished, she was ready to leave, not terribly interested in everything else the world class museum had to offer.

Well, this is how I think many people view orgasms. Come, take your selfie coming, and think you’ve experienced the cream o’ the crop of everything sex has to offer. After all once you’ve had the mighty orgasm, it’s downhill from there … until the next ride.

Maybe it’s time to re-think that flawed premise. While we’re at it, it’s also time to think that maybe the mighty orgasm you have come to know and love and worship is almost like a decoy or distraction from the true depths of intimate pleasure.


I’ve loved orgasms ever since I first discovered what they were, but fortunately I learned along the way that sex is a multi-dimensional experience—provided you choose to go there. If you think outside the jail of habit, porn conditioning, and other depictions of sexuality, and if you find change and creativity more fun than annoying, you could broaden your horizons.

If diversity of experience isn’t good enough of a reason, you might consider this: bodies age and change. This includes orgasms. While for me they still are quite pleasurable to experience, physically they are mere shadows of what they used to be forty years ago. If orgasm was my idea of the main event, the raison d’etre for sex, I would not be wildly happy about my inevitable physical decline.

But sex is a journey with a buffet of goodies to enjoy before and even after the destination most people seek. Here are a few suggestions in brief to consider.

Expanded Sensuality: In the hunt, race, and habit of bringing on orgasms for self and partners, people often miss out on the luxury of pure sensuality. It’s mostly just a mind set. We’re conditioned to take the most direct route to achieving orgasms. Stampede the clitoris or attack the penis straightaway. We often ignore other ways that the body delights us if we give it the opportunity. A slower build-up of sensual energy can 1) make eventual orgasms more intense, and 2) be a grand reward on its own.

When broken down analytically into named activities like cuddling, spooning, stroking, soaking in a hot tub, stretching, whatever, it may not sound too thrilling. But each of these activities offers the mind/soul an experience of sensual consciousness. It’s what you make of it. Cuddling can be anything from a major bore to the grand entrance to a peak experience depending on the mental and emotional chemistry happening.

Energy Orgasms: There is a type of full-bodied orgasm that is very pleasurable yet most people in Western culture have not heard of it. Under certain circumstances, full-bodied orgasms can create a more powerful and intense release than a traditional genital orgasm. As the name implies, full-bodied orgasms involve a shuddering sensation felt throughout the body, and are often accentuated through various relaxation, breathing, and visualizing techniques. While they often also involve genital stimulation, it’s nevertheless different, usually not involving male or female ejaculation or penetration.

Energy orgasms are entirely possible while fully dressed. In my personal experience, they have frequently happened during extended hugging, hugs in the ten-to-twenty minute range. All the emotional love and excitement of intimacy merge with sexual excitement until I/we start feeling waves of energy build and crash, build and crash, build and crash.  When this goes on for awhile, it leads to full-bodied shudders, and if you are prepared for them (i.e. not surprised or shutting down) the shudders increase in intensity. If you eroticize them, it can be some of the hottest sex ever (yes, still fully clothed and without ejaculation/penetration!) One nice feature about energy orgasms is that unlike physical orgasms which end things, at least temporarily, energy orgasms keep coming until you voluntarily just cannot have another wave. It’s a case of the middle being more intense than the end.

Meditation Adventures: Something I rarely if ever see described or depicted is the opposite of fifty shades of pain, bondage, intense physicality. That rare yet powerful quality is complete relaxation. One way to put it simply would be to meditate together while embracing each other either clothed or nude. The object here is not traditional intercourse but more of a mental and emotional intercourse, no-goal cuddling. The mind and heart do the merging while the bodies are as relaxed and quiet as any other kind of meditation. This kind meditation can be done without conversing or with one person guiding a visualization. For some this will sound dull as dust, but for others, the potential adventures in intimacy, energy, and sensuality will be overwhelmingly delicious. (This is different from therapeutic cuddling which is intended to be romantically or sexually abstinent.)

In a relaxed state, the body goes limp (although granted this does not always include erections.) The relaxed body absorbs pleasure in a more sensitive, profound fashion than a body engaged in pain responsiveness or wild thrusting. I think of relaxation as more pleasure, less work. It’s comparable to when listening through headphones to something and you turn the volume down very low; you end up listening more carefully to the whispers instead of the shouts. The meditation part opens the gate for streams of thoughts and feelings to flow, and this can lead to amazing adventures for the connoisseur of consciousness. You can end up seeing visions, hearing the inner voice, taking psychic journeys, basking in creativity. Bonus: Sessions like this can bring on unexpected energy orgasms as well.

Four Orgasms Theory: One time I played with writing a book (never published) in which I proposed that there are four types of orgasm: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. An orgasm could be described as a peak of excitement. Each type of the four is different enough from the others that focusing on any one kind will produce spicy variety. For example, a mental orgasm would be a peak of excitement for the mind. It could be a surprise, a thrilling sentence, a toy for the imagination, the right thing at the right time. Doling out mental treats leads to a mental orgasm. Kapow!

The four orgasms theory largely involves nonphysical stimulation, emphasizing that lovemaking is a blend of holistic arousal techniques, not just body part play. Make love with the mind, heart, and spirit to really experience the heights of arousal. Through practice and personal experience, one learns that orgasms as usually portrayed have their limitations and that there is a wealth of powerful experiences most people miss.


Western culture through its books, movies, and stories primarily and overwhelmingly tells us how important sexual orgasms are. We have dumbed down orgasms to the physical level. Ironically, if you decrease your focus on physical orgasm and increase your focus on nonphysical stimulation, you will have better orgasms of all kinds including those that can happen while fully dressed.




The orgasm pill

Orgasm pillThere have been a few times in my life when I’ve experienced the sensation of having a full-blown orgasm, and I wasn’t doing anything remotely sexual at the time. I experienced the core physical feeling of orgasm without the ejaculation part or even the erection part.

The first few times this happened I did not even know what an orgasm was, at least from the viewpoint of how one felt. They happened right around puberty. One morning I was in PE class and was instructed to climb a rope, and when I did, yowsers-wowsers! I got this incredible feeling. I would later discover that this was the same feeling that accompanied standard issue orgasm.

One time later I was in my mid-teens. As I sat in a dentists chair being fed nitrous oxide for an impending wisdom tooth extraction, I was drifting with the background music and without any genital stimulation or erection, I experienced a full-blown orgasm. (My current dentist has never heard of that happening with nitrous oxide, but it sure thrilled me.)

My take-away from these episodes was to conclude that orgasm is something that happens in the brain even though it usually occurs from genital stimulation. Even though habit and feeling tells me that it’s a penis thing, the real action must happen up inside the command center of the brain.

An offshoot of that experience has me wondering if orgasm could be artificially and predictably created via drugs or some other brain stimulation device.


Let’s just say that someone invented an orgasm pill or a device (call it an iCum) that produced orgasms via the brain without conventional sexuality, genital stimulation, or ejaculation. And for the purposes of this discussion, let’s assume that this was medically safe. What are some of the considerations that would occur?

The first likely outcome would be a rush to monetize it. Look at the Viagra et al industry. Could you imagine the fortune this could generate?

An orgasm pill or orgasm-triggering iCum device would be unique in that it would not necessarily be created to solve a problem like erectile dysfunction. It could just be for pure pleasure, enjoyment, and convenience.

While conventional orgasm is a rather fleeting experience—a few seconds of woo-hoo–discovering how to trip this switch in the brain might produce orgasm that lasts longer than normal muscle spasm. Or more like the tantric experience of energy orgasms, the pill or device could stimulate a multiple orgasm response like a steady flow of ocean waves?

The problem here is that much of society is anti-pleasure. Governments have learned that it’s hard to recruit an army for the dirty work of conquering other countries if the core pool of potential soldiers is happily zoned out on love, sex, dope, whatever. If people became accustomed to being able to enjoy an hour’s worth of orgasms a day, they would not be so eager to trade all that bliss in for combat duty.

A likely outcome would be that governments would criminalize the goods. Societies have not been especially friendly to just-for-pleasure drugs. Currently, we favor tobacco and alcohol and yet mostly criminalize marijuana, which is arguably safer and healthier than the latter two. It is likely that certain lobbyists and pressure groups representing big tobacco and big alcohol would consort to fight against the safe orgasm pill–unless the lobbyists for big pharma joined the fray.


Another interesting track to follow would be a potential shift in the social order if orgasmic feelings could be produced with a pill or woo-hoo device (like some sort of electro-magnetic thingie that pulsed the right part of the brain.) How would that invention impact intimate relationships? Already one of the huge arguments against porn is that people become more aroused through audio-visual fantasy stimulation than through interaction with a real person. If people could easily have orgasms without sex, would they want sex?

The positive side of me thinks that people might increase intimate interaction if the pressure to produce orgasms was dramatically reduced. In other words, they might enjoy each other’s company more if they did not worry so much about physical manipulations of body parts. They might be inclined to be more sensual and comforting. Imagine being able to have orgasms while enjoying the simplicity of cuddling and daydreaming.

If an orgasm pill or woo-hoo device produced non-ejaculatory orgasms, it means that a man would still be able to ejaculate the old fashion way. He could have brain-induced orgasms and save his ejaculations in reserve for procreation or erotic scenes with partners who fancied the wet stuff. Older guys might find this technological breakthrough particularly awesome.

The negative side of me thinks that at the rate people flee from true intimacy, many would flock to this sexual substitute. If taking a pill or using a woo-hoo device provided a much easier way to experience orgasmic felings than dealing with a partner’s difficult personality, it would become a popular escape route. We pop enough pills as it is and this would just add to the consumption.

Of course we normally associate orgasm with sexuality, and therefore any thought of having orgasm is usually sexual-centric. But what if brain-induced orgasmic feelings were conceived more like an ecstatic experience, a rapture, an energy blast? It might not need a sexual context at all. It could be more along the lines of a personal religious ecstasy experience. Another name for it besides orgasm might be invented to differentiate the two.


We probably won’t have to deal with these questions any time soon. I don’t think this kind of breakthrough is on the invention horizon. My experiences with this phenomenon were decades ago, yet having had orgasmic feelings without any type of sex or erection teases me with ideas of the possibilities.